Health News resources and information

The reason these games may be necessary is that although many couples are able to break the impasse by playing the games previously described, they often end up becoming inundated with new feelings, thoughts, and memories. Some become confused by this inundation and do not know what to do next. Others become exhilarated—but the thrill quickly wears off and is followed by disillusionment when the novelty of the games loses its appeal and they backslide to their former defensive postures. Still others experience what I call “fools’ tenderness”—a feeling of joy connected with such new-found sexual satisfaction. This form of tenderness does not come entirely from the heart, but in part also from the unleashed libido, and so is not a grounded kind of tenderness.

*261/196/1*

They climb back into bed. As the husband begins to mount her again, she speaks again.

“For the Lord sayeth, ‘Women, look to thy husbands, and obey them all the days of your lives.’”

“That’s right. Just lie back now.”

“Anything you say, dear. Are my legs spread out enough?”

“Yes, thanks. They’re fine.”

“And my vagina—is it wet enough?”

“It could be a little wetter.”

“All right. I’ll try to make it wetter.”

“Thanks.”

“And my mouth—is it open wide enough?” “Do you have to ask me everything?” “I must look to my husband and obey him.” “You’ve done enough looking and obeying.” “But the Lord sayeth, ‘Cursed be the name Woman.’ Didn’t He say that, dear? ‘Cursed be the name Woman’?” “He might have. I forget right now.” “Am I cursed, dear?”

“Yes, you’re cursed. All women are cursed.” “I’m so sorry I’m cursed. I aplogize for being a woman. Will you forgive me for being cursed?” “All right.”

*227/196/1*

“I was. But she left me because she thought I was a hopeless beast.” “Sorry.”

Happy ending! They make love and, as in the children’s story, the Beast is transformed into a handsome prince. In this scenario, he may actually remove his costume, mask, and wig, or he may simply change his personality. He might also change his clothing, donning a prince’s outfit.

“Who are you?” the wife asks.

“You can call me Prince B.”

“What happened?”

“Your love for me changed me from a beast to a handsome prince.”

“Isn’t that amazing! I think I’d like to make love to you again.”

“All right—if you insist.”

Playing out this game provides an opportunity for the angry husband and wife to step out of their customary mode of relating and see each other from the vantage point of this children’s story. Such children’s stories are universal because their messages ring true—and, by playing them out, the truths embedded in them (such as that beauty and beastliness are only skin deep) are experienced firsthand by the participants. This game also shows the husband and wife how to convert their anger into sexuality—something they may have forgotten. Finally, it induces them to look objectively at the rut they have been in and the attitudes that have kept them there. (This game can be reversed and played as “Handsome and the Bitch.”)

*193/196/1*

Perverse couples are among the least inclined to go to a therapist—for two reasons. First, their perversion was developed in secrecy, and they wish it to remain so. Second, they strongly believe that there is nothing wrong with their perversion, and fear that the therapist will tell them that there is. Indeed, today the whole topic of what is perverse and what is not has become controversial. Formerly, homosexuality was considered a perversion—but homosexuals protested and persuaded the psychiatric establishment to drop being gay from its list of perversions. Transvestites, who call themselves “cross-dressers,” are now likewise waging a battle to have their sexuality considered normal. Fetishists—men (and in rare cases, women) whose primary sexual drive is attached to a symbolic object, such as shoes, gloves, underwear, or hats—are also convinced that their sexual orientation is different but still harmless and therefore should be accepted in the mainstream. Sadomasochists similarly feel that a little black leather, bondage, and humiliation by mutual consent should not be considered perverse. Even those whose sexuality is criminal in nature, such as men who molest boys, defend what they do. (I have even heard of an organization formed to propagate the benefits of an older man’s befriending and having sexual relations with a boy.)

*159/196/1*

Not all obsessive couples start out as opposite sides of the coin; sometimes two obsessively neat people—or two compulsively indolent ones—will team up. But when this happens, generally one or the other gradually takes the opposite role. The reason for this shift is that the obsessive perfectionist needs a manifestation of compulsive sloth as a foil, and the sloth similarly requires a demonstration of tyrannical neatness. If initially half of this dyad is missing, one of them must convert to fill that role. Each then comes to represent an aspect of one’s own personality that is despised, disowned, and projected onto the other—where it can be soundly defeated.

Sex-therapy games for such couples must confront both their obsessive and their compulsive attitudes. These attitudes have strong secondary gratifications: The obsessive control freak gets to set the standards for the couple and to dominate according to those standards, while the compulsive slob defies those standards and undermines the obsessive person. Each derives immense satisfaction from his or her role, which he or she has played since early childhood. Old habits die hard.

The following games address these secondary gratifications and attempt to loosen the grips of obsession-compulsion.

*125/196/1*