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You know that rosy glow of new romance, that swirling euphoria of being in love, that period of intense passion? Well, it’s got a new name: in popular American psychology circles they call it ‘limerance’ and are identifying people who are addicted to it.

These so-called ‘limerance junkies’ go from relationship to relationship seeking the perfect partner and are unable to settle down into anything lasting and committed. They are hooked on the bliss of obsessive infatuation and with each new person delude themselves that it is real love.

Age is no impediment for those who seek these fabulous feelings of early romance, and extramarital limerance is rife. Sadly, for all players limerance is always a time-limited experience. Typically, the limerant male is not interested in food or sleep: he can stay up all night talking and yet be full of energy the next day. He feels 20 years younger and is euphoric, and emotionally, his feet don’t touch the ground.

The main desire during limerance is to merge. Interest is completely focused on the loved one, and all critical faculties are suspended. During limerance, men show only their best side, and their partners do the same. Nasty habits or difficult feelings are hidden away. Even if they do arise, they are dismissed as quaint or idiosyncratic. Behaviour that would normally offend is passed over in the glow.

Limerance is so powerful that it ensures conflict is avoided at all costs. If a beloved arrives late or forgets an arrangement, she is seen as adorably muddle-headed. If she leaves her clothes lying on the floor it is admirably bohemian.

Within about 6 to 12 months, however, limerance begins to fade. Then if she is late, he feels furious. The mess in the bedroom begins losing its charm. Differences in desire and sex drive become apparent and the real challenge is to find a balance. Typically, a couple struggling with the loss of limerance say that the very things that attracted them now drive them crazy.

She’ll say, ‘He was so laid-back and carefree. I come from a really stitched-up family, so I enjoyed his relaxed attitude. Now it irritates me. He never takes anything seriously.’

He’ll say, ‘I’m not so sure I like the way she wants everything organised all the time. She’s so tidy and particular it gets on my nerves.’

Although limerance is a period of heightened arousal and obsession, it can also be a time of considerable anxiety. The limerant man is very anxious to please, to make an impression and to be adored, but he has to cope with unpredictable elements. He wants the experience to be marvellous but he is not sure how to make it happen or how to make it last.

For some men, this anxiety is a spur. It arouses and excites them. For others its impact is negative and adversely affects their performance. The ‘high’ of limerance is said to be due to the release of arousing brain chemicals. These ‘feelgood’ neurotransmitters include acetylcholine, which produces an amphetamine-like rush; dopamine, which induces a feeling of wellbeing; noradrenaline, which brings on feelings of pleasure, joy and the ability to conquer the world; phenylethylamine, which creates heightened excitement; and serotonin, which maintains a generalised feeling of emotional security.

The altered state induced by this intoxicating chemical mix is often mistaken for love. It may just be a biological mechanism to get two people together: in reproductive terms it lasts long enough for the woman to become impregnated and perhaps for a baby to be born. Then the man can be off again, to ensure the diversity of the species.

Limerance can last weeks, months or a year. If obstructions are placed in the way of the lovers, it can last even longer. Extramarital limerance can endure for years as long as the straying couple don’t spend too much time together.

As it fades, the partners begin to reveal their real selves. They are tired of being flexible and patient and little arguments and irritations begin to erupt. Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, and real love can only begin when limerance begins to die off.

When this happens, the couple becomes aware of discrepancies in their previously perfect sexual compatibility. A mismatch of desire may emerge as sexual activity drops down to its normal level.

Take this piece of advice on sex from a baseball coach to his team: ‘If you put a bean in a jar every time you make love during your first year of marriage, and take a bean out every time you make love in the years that follow, don’t be surprised if you still have beans left in your jar a few years down the track!’

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This entry was posted on Thursday, March 12th, 2009 at 12:55 pm and is filed under Men's Health-Erectile Dysfunction. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.